Chinese Women Escaping Chinese Mothers-In-Law

The war between Chinese wives and their mothers-in-law has been going on for as long as China’s recorded history.  In a society where sons are treated as princes by their mothers and daughters have long been considered traded goods, it’s not surprising that mothers-in-law have always played a prominent role in their sons’ marriage.  It makes one wonder if part of the appeal of marrying a foreign man is the fact that a Chinese woman will be able to escape the nightmare of dealing with a Chinese mother-in-law.

Chinese sons living the life of a prince only means that their mothers are the queen.  So when a wife finally comes into the picture, it is understood that she must submit to the will of the queen.  More often than not, these Chinese princes do not have the will to stand up to their queen mothers, being coddled all their life.  So 

they let their mothers have their way and their say, even when it comes to their own marriage.

The mother dominating her son’s life does not end when he gets married.  

The mother choosing the wife for his son or approving of his choice is never a guarantee that she will not make her daughter-in-law’s life difficult.  After all, she was also a daughter-in-law once herself and was subject to the will of her husband’s mother.  In this sense, this ongoing war is also something of a well-kept tradition, a never ending cycle wherein the mother-in-law simply passes on the ill will she had for her husband’s mother to her son’s wife who, in turn, will pass it on to her own son’s future wife, and so on and so forth.

Chinese families redefine the term “tight knit.”  Parents often live in close proximity to their children after they are married; in many cases, the parents live with their married son or daughter, depending on the financial situation of their child, i.e. if he/she can afford to provide a house/apartment for his/her parents and also give them regular financial support.  Whatever the case, a mother meddling in her son’s married and family life is an expected and a widely accepted behavior. 

It can be said that most Chinese women who are ready to get married dread the mother- and daughter-in-law relationship.  There are, of course, a lucky few who end up with very understanding, sensitive, and considerate mothers-in-law; but, while it is more and more common, they remain the exception to the rule that the husband’s mother still rules his life.

Being with a western man has its many “perks,” not the least of which is the fact that western men lead independent lives; they reach a certain point in their life when they sever the symbolic umbilical cord that attaches them to their mothers.  Unlike Chinese mothers, western/Caucasian mothers make it a point not to involve themselves in their sons’, or daughters’, personal lives, especially once they start their own families. 

(This does not mean that mothers stop caring for their children’s well being; western/Caucasian mothers simply understand the value of letting their children stand up on their own two feet.)

There are also foreign men who remain so attached to their mothers through adulthood and even after they get married that they also let them continue to be a dominant influence in their lives.  Unlike how it is with the Chinese mother-and-son relationship, such cases are the exception and not the rule. 

Most Chinese women who prefer a foreign husband are certainly aware that being married to one means escaping the plight of countless Chinese wives who have miserable relationships with their mothers-in-law.  Does this factor into their decision to be with a foreign man?  Perhaps to some, this is one of the main reasons that they want a foreign mate; to the rest, it is an added and a very welcome benefit.  But the most important thing for most of these women is to have the chance at having a happy married life. 

Discover tons of great information about Chinese women and Chinese dating on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

Chinese Women Living Two Lives

In China’s biggest cities, single Chinese women who number by the thousands live two lives: the life of a modern and successful woman in a modern society, and the life of a Chinese girl still bound by the expectations and rules of the same society’s age-old traditions.  It is a very thin line between these two lives that they have to walk, and eventually they reach a fork in the road and have to choose which life to continue living. 

Just walking this thin line between their two lives is, more often than not, nearly an impossible task.  There are instances when they actually have to be on just one side of the line or on both sides at the same time.  As they near their 28^th year, it becomes harder and harder to balance the two lives.  They have to make the difficult choice of either being a traditional girl and turning their back on what they have accomplished, or being a modern woman and carrying the stigma of the sheng nu.

Most of these women came from single-child families.  Their parents pushed them to excel in school, to get higher education, even pursue masters’ degrees and Ph.D.s, and then to find a well-paying job and succeed in their chosen profession.  They are their parents’ investment and insurance for a secure future. 

Of course, reaching these goals takes years.  Most achieve financial stability by their 25^th or 26^th year.  By this time, however, they are also nearing their maximum marrying age.  Having been so focused on their education and then their jobs/careers, they never had time to socialize, much less date and find a mate. 

Traditionally, a Chinese woman is eligible to marry when she’s 22, and she’s expected to be wed and have a child before she turns 28.  Before the women of China were given the opportunities to better themselves and pursue success and financial independence, they had all the time they needed to search for a suitable husband way before they get “too old” to marry. 

Back then, their marriage also served the purpose of securing their and their parents’ future and continuing the family lineage.  So they really didn't need to attend a college or university and look for a stable job; all they had to do was find a husband who will support them financially. 

Fast forward to the present, and we have successful and independent women of China who find themselves pressured by their parents to find a suitable husband and being very short on time.  If they don’t find a partner by their 28th year, it will be extremely difficult for them to find a man who will still consider them as a suitable wife, mostly because Chinese men are still very traditional when choosing a mate.

At the same time, their higher qualifications also give them very limited options.  To be more accurate, the number of Chinese men who would not find them intimidating or threatening (mostly to these men’s egos) is very small.  Traditional Chinese men prefer partners who are not just younger, but also have fewer and/or lower qualifications than they do. 

If they choose the traditional path, it will most likely mean giving up their job/career so they can devote all their time being a wife and mother.  It will also mean that they will have to rush finding a partner and marry the next suitable man that comes along; they can no longer afford to search for their Mr. Right, much less wait until love comes along. 

If they choose the modern path, it will definitely mean being judged by their society, even their parents, and being rejected by the men.  The longer they stay single after their 28^th year, the harder it will be for them to find a husband, and the harsher the ridicule they will have to suffer. 

In an ideal world, these women can actually have the best of both worlds.  They can keep their job/career and continue being successful at what they do and, at the same time, also have a family.  They can wait until they find the right person, and men will not find them less desirable just because they’re already in their thirties and just because they are successful and independent women. 

In fact, they will be even more desirable as a life partner, given the life experiences they have acquired, their maturity, and the significant contributions they can make to the family in terms of future security. 

Unfortunately, current Chinese society is not such an ideal world.  Most of these modern women eventually face the dilemma of living one life and abandoning the other.  Perhaps one day soon, they will be able to enjoy the best of both worlds. 

Discover tons of great information about Chinese women and Chinese dating on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

Chinese Women on Top

If there’s still any doubt that Chinese women have reached the top, just look at all the attempts to bring them back down.  Successful and independent women of China have been labeled sheng nu; they have been accused of having standards that are too high and of being too materialistic and selfish.  They have been misrepresented in the media. 

Such is the price they are made to pay for striving for more.  In a society which has always preferred its sons over its daughters, such attitude toward the increased autonomy and the social and economic progress of women is not surprising at all. 

It makes one think: are all the efforts to bring modern Chinese women down and to reign them in instigated by men?  Perhaps not all of them; it is very likely that many traditional women of China also disapprove of the drive of their modern counterparts to step out of their traditional gender roles. 

The opposition, aka the greater Chinese society, states that these women, or the "sheng nu," represent a fear of taking things too permissively: appreciating career while discounting the continuation of a family lineage, seeking independence while forgetting the biological motherly duty, fulfilling individual desires while not caring about the stability of the society as a whole” (Source: http://thinkingchinese.com/sheng-nu-leftover-women-women-independence-social-disgrace).

For those who have been in a coma for the last year or so, the “sheng nu” (loosely translated as “leftover women”) are highly-independent, highly-educated, and highly-salaried Chinese women who are in their late 20s to their late 30s and are still single.  You guessed it.  Their supposed hopeless singlehood is attributed to their ambition to pursue masters’ degrees and even Ph.D.s, as well as financial and career successes. 

They are often portrayed as women whose only priorities are work, money, comforts and luxuries, more work, and more money.  They supposedly “wasted” their early 20s – that very narrow period in their life between their 22^nd and 27^th years – going after higher education degrees and career goals instead of seeking a husband. 

Given that most Chinese men still follow the traditional hierarchy in mate selection – that is, alpha males choose beta females, and so on and so forth – some actually feel intimidated by these very successful women and believe that they may not be able to meet these women’s demands, while others’ egos simply will not let them be with a woman who has equal or much better success than they do. 

Traditional Chinese women, as well as the older generations, are simply still resistant to the new realities that modern Chinese society are now facing; for them, anything different that goes against age-old customs and beliefs is simply unacceptable. 

Certainly, for these modern Chinese women who are very self-sufficient, marriage is not as compelling as it used to be.  They no longer feel the need to rush into marriage so that they can have a husband to support them and their parents financially.

If Chinese men had an ounce of sense and also used it, they would appreciate the value of being with a woman who does not only want them for their money.  They would also be grateful that they can have a partner with whom they can work side by side to create a good life, a partner who will not only be helpful at home but who can also share the family’s financial responsibilities. 

There is still, of course, the issue of age.  By the time these women are ready to settle down, and have more to contribute to the marriage, they are past the maximum ideal marrying age for women.  But is it really so bad to be with a 28- or a 29-year-old, or even a thirty-something woman, that these men would rather be bachelors for life? 

Unless, of course, their preference for younger women is more about being with someone they can have more control over than anything else; if  this is the case, then they would deserve to grow old alone. 

These Chinese women on top, despite the efforts of mainstream Chinese society to bring them down, refuse to give in to pressure and to allow themselves to be manipulated into submission.  So they become “leftover women.”  That’s alright; if being leftover means they can marry their Mr. Right and have a marriage of love, loyalty, and respect, then it’s not as awful a status as it is being made to be.   

Discover tons of great information about Chinese women and Chinese dating on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

So You Want a Chinese Wife?

Many foreign men who desire a Chinese wife initially and mostly develop their attraction to this cultural group of women from images of them being depicted in the traditional sense – typically images that show them contentedly looking after their husband’s every need at home.

While these foreign men may not really be aware that Chinese women are more multi-dimensional and have more layers to them which make them very ideal mates than are often acknowledged and lauded, their initial desire for a Chinese wife is still largely founded on an honest need for a deeper connection with another person.

Aside from simply liking the “Chinese look,” most foreign men desire a Chinese mate because they perceive them to have a caring nature.  Indeed, these men are simply looking to feel cared for, not in the sense that they only want someone submissive enough to attend to their every need; but in the sense that they want a partner who has the capacity to care about their well-being. 

For these men, this capacity for caring is what has become lacking in many western/westernized women. While they may not see the complete picture of what a true Chinese woman really is, they have, at least, captured some of the essence that makes her an ideal life partner. 

Take, for example, the story of Steven from California and Sandy from China.  The couple is featured in a PBS documentary, titled “Seeking Asian Female” and directed by Debbie Lum. 

In one interview prior to meeting Sandy online and marrying her, Steven demonstrated the typical “enchantment” that many foreign men experience over their incomplete notions about Asian/Chinese women.  "There's this Vietnamese movie called The Scent of Green Papaya that's got this idyllic servant girl who cooks these beautiful meals. And you think 'gee, would it be like that?" (Source: http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/05/the-poignant-unexpected-marriage-lessons-in-i-seeking-asian-female-i/276265/).

After meeting Sandy online and deciding to fly her to the U.S. to marry, Steven expressed his excitement over the fact that “She looks so Chinese!” 

As Steven and, in fact, many other foreign men who are lucky enough to fulfill their dream of having a Chinese wife soon realize, Chinese women have a lot more to offer and a lot more admirable traits than just being caring partners. 

Sandy, as the documentary reveals, worked her way up in a factory, from working on the floor to working in the office, and managed to buy her parents a house.  Upon arriving in the U.S., she got busy learning English and turning the house she shared with her new husband into a real home.  She also expressed her plans to attend college and her goal of becoming a nurse.

So it seems that Steven got the entire “package” he has always dreamed of, and more.  And he realizes how good he has it, how lucky he is to have a wife who worries about whether or not he has already eaten and if he has been getting enough sleep.  To show his wife how much he appreciates and loves her after one of their fights, Steven did the housework himself. 

Indeed, most successful stories of marriage between foreign men and Chinese women have the same elements of true and mutual caring, respect, appreciation, and love.  No matter how little or how much the foreign man knew about Chinese women when he first started on his quest for a wife, no matter what his initial expectations were, he eventually learns that there is more to being happy in a marriage than just having someone take care of him; it’s also about having someone he can truly care for himself.

Foreign men who desire a Chinese wife do not always have a complete or, sometimes, not even an adequate understanding of Chinese women; but their honest intentions, interest, and admiration for these women, combined with their sincere desire for a healthy marriage, often more than make up for their lack of understanding and serve as an effective compass that guides them toward making their marriage a happy and fulfilling one. 

Discover tons of great information about Chinese women and Chinese dating on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

Chinese Women and The Leftover Women’s Club

More and more modern Chinese women are choosing to wait to get married, despite the social pressures and the stigma associated with being a single, thirty-something woman in China.  They don’t want to make compromises; they don’t want to get married for the wrong reasons; they don’t want to rush into marriage just to get their society “off their backs.”  So they’re labeled “sheng nu.” In response to this public disparagement, these women have formed “sheng nu” clubs.

These brave Chinese women prefer to hold out for the right man, and they have every right and the luxury to do so.  Because of their supposed undesirable age and unexpectedly intimidating educational and career achievements (at least, as both are perceived by most Chinese men), they are finding it extremely difficult to find a suitable partner. 

But many of these women are in no rush to get married at all, and they have learned to simply shrug off the criticisms that have been thrown at them for choosing to stay single at a time when single, Chinese men are just piling up, especially in the rural areas.  In fact, the number of bachelors in China is increasing at such an alarming rate that many experts worry about the real possibility of serious social unrest among the male population.

As part of the “sheng nu” stigma, these women are also criticized for having standards that are just “too high.” Given their great achievements, many naturally look for mates who have equal or better qualifications as/than they have.  For most, however, material richness is not a factor, richness in character is; and they simply want to find love.

In a society where singles are pressured to marry and have children before they reach a certain age, women, especially, practically have to deal with an “ultimatum” of sorts.  Attaining masters and/or doctoral degrees take time, after all; so does pursuing career ambitions.  So they can either give up these personal goals and give in to the social pressure to marry before they reach 30, or bear the ridicule for going against tradition. 

At the same time, these women, having explored the greater possibilities that their society and the world outside it have to offer, have realized that they also have better marriage options.  They do not have to get married at so and so age just because their society expects them to; they do not have to marry the next “suitable” man that comes along so they won’t be seen as selfish, greedy, or odd. 

Perhaps it is their higher educational attainments, or perhaps it is their greater exposure to western ideas; in any case, they have realized that marriage should not be mandatory and it should not just be about mutual convenience.  They can actually wait for and actively seek out love. 

More importantly, they can choose to be with a man who will appreciate, respect, and cherish them for their accomplishments, whereas marriage with a Chinese man often means they will have to give up their careers.  There’s also the fact that the “national pastime” of Chinese men is having affairs. 

Women gaining more autonomy and breaking away from traditions are a common trend in many other countries all over the world.  Unlike their counterparts in the west, however, these modern Chinese women enjoy their independence but still desire a family founded on good values, and a marriage on love, loyalty, and respect. 

So these brave, independent, and highly desirable women of China have developed a “healthy” way of dealing with the disparaging “sheng nu” label.  They have joined forced and formed clubs all over the country.  In Shanghai alone, one such club has upwards of 1,000 members.  They get together regularly to discuss their “social status” and the challenges they encounter in their quest for a potential mate.  At the same time, they also share with each other their hopes of finding their Mr. Right one day. 

Discover tons of great information about Chinese women and Chinese dating on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

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Middle-Aged Foreign Men: To Woo or Not to Woo Which Chinese Women

Middle-aged foreign men who want to woo a Chinese woman and go about searching for a Chinese wife through online Chinese dating often meet three different sets of women seeking a foreign husband: twenty-something ladies who want to get married before they reach 30; thirty-something, career-oriented, and financially independent women who are either ready to settle down or are pressured into settling down; and divorced women in their 30s, 40s, or 50s who are also under pressure to find another husband.

Which ones should middle-aged men woo?  With whom would they have a better chance of forming a connection?  Are there certain Chinese women they should not even bother reaching out to?

The Young

In the west, only middle-aged men like George Clooney and Gerard Butler can still land twenty-something ladies.  In China, many twenty-something women who are still single are more open to being with “older” men, but even they have a maximum age limit.  Most of these women will most likely not consider foreign men who are more than a decade older as potential husbands. 

And those who will are going to be Chinese girls who are less educated, and come from less economically advanced families and locations, so you have to at least wonder about their motivations. Are they seeking a great husband or a great boost to the families financial situation.

The Bold

In the west, thirty-something independent, single women with stable or successful careers command admiration and respect.  In fact, they are still considered highly desirable partners.  Given their experience and maturity, they are actually seen as more suitable as life mates than the twenty-somethings. 

In China, these women find it difficult to find a partner for several reasons.  First is their age; being single in their thirties is frowned upon in Chinese society.  There must be something wrong with them, that’s why they have not found a husband.  It does not matter much that they only chose to delay marriage so they can pursue higher education and their career goals first.

Second is their higher qualifications, i.e. high educational achievements and career and financial success.  This means that their standards for a suitable mate are also higher, and nowadays, the discrepancies in social and economic status among males in China continue to grow wider.  This means that there are fewer men who can equal or exceed these women’s own qualifications.  Additionally, men who do have equal or higher qualifications prefer mates with lower qualifications than them.

Given their independence and financially stability, however, these women can also afford to take their time choosing a suitable mate.  They also realize that they can do better than the traditional Chinese men in their society.  For this reason, they seek out foreign men.  For these women, a considerable age gap between them and their partner is not that big a deal, although most still have an upper limit, mostly because they still want to raise a family and spend many more decades with their mate.But compared to the twenty-somethings, their upper age limit is higher. 

The Restless

If the single thirty-somethings are already frowned upon, the divorcees are practically shunned.  They are considered spoiled goods by most men in their society.  Many of these women are also financially independent and have stable jobs; others are often left with nothing to their name after getting divorced. 

Much like the thirty-something singles and because they have already gone through a failed marriage with a Chinese man, these women are also less likely to compromise their desires in a suitable mate.  That is why they chose to divorce their husbands in the first place; they did not want to tolerate unfaithfulness and unfair treatment.  So these women realize that there are better partners out there to be found among foreign men.

For these women, an age gap of 20 years or more between them and their foreign partner is acceptable.  It’s not because they are desperate; it’s just because they are mature enough to also realize that they will have much more in common with middle-aged men, as well as with men who are already in the prime of their years.  They are aware that it is these men who can offer them what they are looking for in an ideal husband. 

Middle-aged men wanting to woo Chinese women to make them their wife must also remember one other thing.  Whatever their age, Chinese women desire a man who is responsible, stable, mature, respectful, and faithful.  As long as a man has these traits, he stands a very good chance of winning the heart of a Chinese woman; their age differences may not necessarily be a deal-breaker.   

Discover tons of great information about Chinese women and Chinese dating on the blogs, magazine

and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

Dating Men Who are Older. Chinese Women Should Not Count Them Out

For sure, many young, Chinese ladies on dating sites seeking a foreign partner have already had their fair share of creepy, old men with an Asian fetish propositioning them.  And then there are those young, single females who simply have a maximum age limit when it comes to dating older guys.  In any case, there are plenty of good reasons why the lovely, twenty-something ladies of China should not completely write off middle-aged men as potential mates.

All Chinese women, regardless of their age, want stability in a marriage (in fact, all women, regardless of their cultural origins, desire the same).  It’s not being materialistic; it’s being realistic.  Chinese women, especially, only date a man who they think has the ability to be a good provider.  This is because Chinese women only date the man they want to marry and to be the father of their child.  And it only makes good sense to choose a husband with the means to provide his family with a secure future, right?

Middle-aged men certainly fit the bill.  At their age, most of these men already have long-standing careers and are financially stable; additionally, most of them already own a home (maybe even a cabin in the mountains).  In other words, they are all set up to have a family.  Of course, a Chinese woman must also make sure that these men have the same priorities that they do, family-wise.

Having achieved financial and career stability most certainly demonstrates that these men are hardworking and determined.  The fact that they are also looking to settle down also shows that a big part of their motivation to have stability and to succeed is because they, themselves, want to be able to provide their future family with a good life. 

Given their experiences, particularly with relationships and maybe even a marriage or two, men of a certain age have already reached emotional and intellectual maturity.  It is a known fact that women mature at a younger age than men do.  So a pairing between a younger Chinese woman and an older foreign man makes good sense. 

Given that cross-cultural relationships are rife with challenges, a Chinese lady can also be sure that their older partner has the confidence, the willingness, and the determination to weather the storms with her.  She does not have to worry that he might just up and leave when times get tough, as some younger and immature foreign men are wont to do.  Older men do not easily give up; they know the value of a good relationship and a good woman, and they will fight to keep these. 

A young lady of China also does not have to worry that an older man will be less accepting of new ideas because he is more set in his ways.  The mere fact that these foreign men have set their hearts on having a Chinese wife shows that they are open-minded, that they are not only interested in a culture different from their own; they also have a deep admiration and respect for it.  In fact, many of these men are even willing to make compromises and to adopt some of their Chinese wife’s views and values. 

Lastly, young Chinese women need not fear that because an older man wants or does not mind being with a much younger partner, this means that he is only after a young catch and will most likely keep going after young ladies, especially when his mate starts to show signs of getting old. 

The fact is, many middle-aged men who have a history of being in one or two long-term relationships and/or have been married in the past already know what they are looking for in a partner and what they want in a marriage.  This means that when they make a decision with regards to the selection of a mate and to getting married, they make this decision with 100 percent certainty that they have found what they are looking for.  There is no doubt that they will work hard to nurture it and keep it.  And at their age, these men really have no more desire to keep starting over.So when they make the commitment to marry a Chinese woman, it really is for better or worse. 

For these reasons and many more, twenty-something Chinese ladies who desire a foreign partner only have a lot to gain by being with an older, and more experienced and mature man.  They would be wise to start seeing them as potential life partners, rather than just father figures or creepy, old men. 

Discover tons of great information about Chinese women and foreign men,and Chinese dating and cross-cultural relationships on the blogs, magazine, and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, relationships, and all things Chinese.