The Perfect Chinese Woman as Chinese Society Defines It

World-renowned designer, Diane von Furstenberg, once told The Wall Street Journal in an interview that “It is great to design for Chinese women, because they have great bodies. They are slim and have tiny waists, so it’s nice.” This is the stereotype of the perfect Chinese woman that most Chinese women all over the world strive to live up to and judge themselves by.

Body image issues are not unique to Chinese women, of course. The pressure for women to be thin, in particular, seems to be a universal constant for most modern societies. In China, and in many Asian cultures in fact, the pressure mostly comes from the fact that Chinese (Asian) women are genetically gifted with slim bodies. “Slim,” however, is a relative term.

What westerners consider “slim,” the Chinese may already consider “fat.” Even what is considered “normal” or “healthy” weight is often seen as less than ideal. Indeed, the Chinese are known for being very vocal when it comes to a person’s weight, as well as other physical attributes. Foreigners visiting or living in China actually also regularly receive comments about their weight from Chinese people (neighbors, co-workers, friends, and even strangers); and when it comes to family members, they can be even more critical. Body-shaming is the norm.

Just as the Chinese are obsessed about the concept of harmony in the form of yin and yang, so are they obsessed with excellence and perfection; the latter is inextricably tied with the Chinese concept of face. This attitude is part of their culture. For a Chinese woman, perfection means not only being an excellent student and, eventually, a successful career woman; it also means being physically perfect, and a big part of this is having a thin body.

It does not help that when Chinese women are portrayed in magazines, on billboards, on TV, and in movies, whether locally or abroad, they are always thin. In comparison, western women are portrayed in their various shapes and sizes (although the idea that thin is beautiful is still widely promoted). So many women of China whose particular body types do not fit into the advertised and often airbrushed images of Chinese models, they feel frustrated and insecure.

They have Chinese genes and, so, they should be naturally thin. If a Chinese woman is of a certain height, then she should only be of a certain weight. In addition to their obsession to have porcelain, white skin and western facial features, the women of China also feel the need to make themselves literally fit into the slim mold that their society has created for them.

What happens if they don’t? Aside from constantly being reminded of their so-called imperfections by their parents, relatives, and friends, they also face discrimination in the workplace. Because even in today’s modern China where women already enjoy a certain degree of empowerment, discrimination and unfair standards still exist.

In fact, it is common for some job ads to list specific height and weight requirements for female applicants; some even require specific body proportions. And it is widely accepted in Chinese society that “beautiful” Chinese women have better chances of getting ahead in life than those who do not meet the Chinese standards of beauty and perfection.

A foreign man dating a Chinese woman should not be surprised and turned off if she has certain body image issues. Certainly, he must not be too quick to judge her as being a shallow person, much like many western women that he had dated in the past. The reality for many of these Chinese ladies is not always so simple. Most of their issues, even those that seem superficial, are often closely tied to their society’s traditional attitudes and beliefs.

A Chinese woman who strongly feels that she can never be thin enough, beautiful enough, or perfect enough to satisfy her family and society does not need more judgment from a foreign man, especially when she is seriously looking for a man she can trust and spend the rest of her life with. Change has to start from the inside and having a foreign man with different attitudes and beliefs to support, appreciate, and love her for who she is can certainly help ignite the change in mindset that she needs to make.

A foreign man looking for a perfect Chinese woman would do well to learn as much as he can about the relevant issues affecting today’s Chinese woman. He can find invaluable information on the blogs, forums, and magazine of ChinaLoveMatch.net, the home of trusted Chinese online dating and where foreign men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

Chinese Women, Chastity, and Tangible Benefits

Traditional Chinese beliefs continue to place a high value on the chastity of Chinese women.  At the same time, premarital sex is now common among the current and younger generations of Chinese, especially those in the urban areas; but while it is widely practiced, it is not widely talked about.  It is the Chinese version of “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” their parents, that is. 

A foreign man dating Chinese women to find his dream Chinese wife will most likely meet many who are no longer virgins but are, all the same, very timid when it comes to any form of intimacy.  If he has been Chinese dating long enough, he may even meet a few who are still virgins despite the fact that they are already in their late twenties to their thirties. 

This should not be a surprise in a society where many single women in their 20s and 30s looking for a husband do not have any dating experience at all, and have never been in a single relationship. 

To a great degree, keeping one’s chastity is about being a virtuous, Chinese woman; to a lesser, but still important, degree, it is also about having a higher value, particularly as a wife.  Indeed, many Chinese mothers drill this lesson into their daughters heads, from childhood until they finally find a good man to marry.

They are taught that being chaste will increase their chances of landing a good husband.  Every chance they get, mothers remind their daughters that having sex before marriage is a stupid move and that girls who engage in premarital sex are stupid girls.  There is a lot to be gained for remaining chaste, and a lot more that one can lose by being unchaste.  

If a Chinese woman wants to marry into a good family, then she must stay very competitive by keeping her chastity, especially in today’s very tough marriage market.  With Chinese wives being a highly-in-demand commodity and many ladies of China having impressive qualifications, still having one’s virginity will increase her value and make her more desirable. 

For women of China who are still single in their late 20s, and especially those in their 30s, their desirability as a life partner is considerably lowered and competing with much younger females often make it extremely difficult for them to find a suitable mate.  Being a virgin, however, may just get them noticed and give them the competitive edge they desperately need.    

In many traditional societies, not just China, a woman can gain and lose respect based solely on whether or not she is still a virgin.  Considering how far Chinese women have come – from being subservient daughters, wives, and daughters-in-law to being self-made and independent career women – it is ironic that such old-fashioned attitudes about a woman’s worth still persist.

Many modern, single, Chinese women no longer subscribe to this belief.  This does not mean, however, that they are also promiscuous.  Whether or not they are open about their more liberated views about sex to their mothers is different question altogether; but they have come to realize that their sense of worth, as a person and a future wife to a deserving and decent man, goes far beyond chastity. 

Some foreign men may find unmarried, twenty- or thirty-something Chinese women who are still virgins admirable; others may recognize the challenges of being in a relationship with women who have very limited relationship experience, if at all, and choose to write them off as potential partners.  It would help to know, though, if remaining chaste was the woman’s personal choice or if it was the result of their personal circumstances.  Knowing can help a foreign man figure out if there might still be a possibility for a meeting of their hearts and minds. 

Pursuing Chinese women, with the honest intention of finding one’s ideal Chinese wife, can be a great challenge, indeed, for any foreign man; learning as much as he can about them can make the challenges of cross-cultural dating and relationships easier to deal with.  Reputable Chinese dating sites, such as ChinaLoveMatch.net, offer invaluable information, tips, and advice on all things related to Chinese women, society, and culture. 

                                                                   

Chinese Dating in Modern Times

The age-old tradition of matchmaking in China has not died; it has only evolved with the times.  These days, parents advertise their unwed and overworked children’s qualifications in literal marriage markets, usually held in parks all over the country.  But Chinese singles, themselves, are not so helpless; many are actively engaged in Chinese dating online.     

While marriage markets are keeping China’s matchmaking tradition alive and well, Chinese dating online has quickly become a hugely thriving marriage market in its own right.  In fact, it has become such a profitable trend, not only for the Chinese dating sites but also for “shoppers” or seekers of mates, that Analysis International predicts it to rake in 2 billion yuan in annual revenue by 2014. (Source: http://english.people.com.cn/90782/8099269.html)

Online dating, which originated in the west, in many ways is a much more casual and unconstrained style of western dating.  So it is a bit surprising that the industry has taken off with such success in a society which is still largely traditional, especially when it comes to relationships and marriage. 

Another surprising development is how the Chinese have re-shaped the online dating scene to suit their needs and even fit into their custom of finding a mate, instead of allowing this very modern trend to change their values and attitudes toward dating and relationships.  Indeed, leading and legitimate Chinese online dating sites promote themselves as marriage websites, where singles have excellent opportunities to meet potential lifetime partners, not casual encounters.

The majority of Chinese singles that use Chinese dating sites to find their mate, whether also Chinese or foreign, still follow traditional practices and use traditional standards.  Certainly, many are also putting emphasis on finding love and Mister/Miss Right, but they continue to uphold Confucian values when choosing a potential partner.

For example, many still place a lot of importance on a potential match’s education level, economic status, age, height, family background, and hukou.  Those with hukous, or residency permits in a top-tier city are considered more desirable than others.  Single Chinese women prefer men with equal or higher educational and economic standing, while the men prefer women with lesser qualifications.  These are the same qualifications that are sought out by “shoppers” in marriage markets held in public parks, and that have been used to measure a person’s suitability as a partner throughout most of China’s history.

It has been pointed out that China’s high rates of urban migration have significantly contributed to the Chinese online dating industry boom.  As more Chinese seek out better economic opportunities in the cities, they also effectively cut off their ties to their traditional social networks back home and effectively isolate themselves.  The demands of life and work in the cities also extremely limit their chances to create new social networks and, thus, their opportunities to meet potential mates. 

The online dating industry has given them very convenient tools to overcome the obstacles to dating that a migrant worker lifestyle inevitably brings.

Additionally, the popularity of online dating to Chinese singles has opened up doors for foreign “players” (in the best sense of the word) to join the Chinese dating scene and for Chinese women, in particular, to cast their nets wider.

Indeed, Chinese online dating has paved the way for countless, happy, cross-cultural relationships and marriages.  While foreign seekers of Chinese partners bring with them their western attitudes toward love and relationships, Chinese seekers continue to uphold their traditional values.  At the outset, the whole scenario may seem to be set up for failure; but, surprisingly, it has been shown to work many, many times, as proven by the numerous cross-cultural couples that now live happy, married lives. 

Discover tons of great information about Chinese dating and relationships, Chinese women, Chinese customs, and life in China on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of safe Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

Chinese Women are Being Hit by Depression

With the stresses, pressures, and high expectations that Chinese women have to deal with on a daily basis, it is not surprising that more and more of them are becoming susceptible to depression.  Stories of single Chinese women relocating from their hometown to the city, finding themselves with poor job prospects and having no family or friends to support them, and eventually becoming debilitated by clinical depression are becoming common in today’s China.

Better education and job opportunities can be found, of course, in the cities.  When the government became more lax with local migration – from the rural to the urban areas – and made good quality education and stable work easily available to the rural population and Chinese women, in particular, the greatest human migration in history began, and it’s still ongoing. 

As the growth of China’s economy eventually plateaued and then slowed down, as the number of Chinese women graduating from colleges and universities and looking for jobs increased, and as the cost of living in the cities increased, making a living has become more and more difficult.  Indeed, unemployment in China has been steadily rising. 

Those with stable jobs still find it very difficult to make ends meet, especially when a huge chunk of their monthly salary goes to rent.  They barely have enough left for their basic needs, to send money to their parents, and most are unable to save for the future. 

It’s a popular belief that because depression is associated with stress and women often live a low-stress life, they are less prone to depression.  The circumstances that the women of China find themselves in nowadays, however, make them very vulnerable to this illness. 

In Hong Kong, for instance, a survey revealed that 1.98 million people, or 35 percent of the population, are depressed; a huge fraction of this are young, Chinese women and homemakers.  In the mainland, the high rates of suicide among Chinese women also point to the same problem: depression.   

Most young Chinese women spent their childhood living with the constant pressure of proving their worth to their parents, many of whom still would have preferred a son rather than a daughter.  Being the only child, they were expected to excel in everything they did, mostly to ensure their and their parents’ financial security in the future. 

While some were expected to excel academically so that their “dating/marriage resume” would look great and they would be able to land a good husband soon after they graduated, others felt the pressure of finding a stable and well-paying job after graduation so they could start providing for their parents and saving for the future. 

At the same time, these Chinese women are still constantly pressured by tradition to find a good partner to marry and to start a family.  Conflicting and high expectations, financial difficulties, work-related stresses or the inability to find a good job, and filial obligations all combine to create a mental state that makes these women highly susceptible to clinical depression.

On top of all these stressors, women of China still suffer from gender discrimination, especially in the work place.  A woman’s natural predisposition to hormonal fluctuations also contributes to her vulnerability to this psychological disorder.

Full-time wives/homemakers also often live unhappy and unfulfilled lives, especially with Chinese husbands’ tendencies to stray and be neglectful.  Chinese homemakers devote their entire lives to taking care of their family; but nobody really takes care of them.  They have little time for themselves, and much less to socialize. 

Marrying foreign men can actually make things turn around for Chinese women, not because they can rely on foreign husbands to give them a comfortable life; but because these men are more supportive, considerate, and caring partners. 

Of course, being in a healthy relationship with the right person is not a panacea to the trend of depression that is debilitating many Chinese women; they have to learn to adapt more effectively to the stresses they are exposed to.  They have to develop the will and the strength to keep forging ahead despite the obstacles.  But a loving partner by their side will certainly make a huge difference.   

Discover tons of great information about Chinese women, having a Chinese wife, and Chinese dating and relationships on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

Chinese Love is Practical Love

Romance has rarely played a prominent role in most Chinese relationships and marriages; Chinese traditions place a higher value on practical considerations.  Nowadays, while romance has taken a more significant place in young relationships, the modern realities that China’s singles and couples have to face still leave them with little choice but to be favor practicality over romance. 

Many fresh graduates, for example, often find themselves facing the very real possibility of returning to their hometown and ending their relationship if they fail to find a job in the same city as their love.  Those who manage to do so soon realize that the demands of their job leave them with no time to sustain their relationship.  High cost of living and inadequate salaries also make keeping the romance alive impossible. 

For singles, Chinese dating is both a challenge and an obligation.  Their lack of experience, their filial obligations, their career, and their own basic needs only make the pressure to find a good partner as soon as possible more difficult to bear.  Their desire for romance, and even love, are continue to be outweighed by realities and traditions. 

Owning a house before marriage is still a requirement that most Chinese women expect their future husband to meet.  Given the skyrocketing prices of real estate in China’s most urbanized regions, this marriage requirement has more to do with ensuring the family’s future, rather than a woman’s greed or materialistic tendencies.  Once again, romance takes a back seat as traditional marriage customs and current economic conditions influence one’s dating and relationship options and decisions.

Even working and financially stable Chinese women often cannot afford to choose romantic love over practical love.  Aside from the demands of their career and their career goals, their age makes Chinese dating and finding love, romance, and a good partner extremely difficult. 

When they made the choice to establish a stable career and to become financially secure instead of jumping into marriage soon after graduating from college/university, they knew that when they are finally ready to get married, their optimal marriageable years will already be behind them and that most Chinese men their age or older will either already be married or prefer younger women.

A foreign man with serious intentions of finding a Chinese wife and, perhaps, even making a new life in China has to understand how most Chinese women view dating, relationships, and marriage.  Undoubtedly, today’s women of China do not just care about practical considerations, but also nurture romantic notions.  The environment they are in, however, effectively discourages any romantic hopes they may have as it encourages them to be more realistic about their dating, relationship, and marriage prospects.

This does not mean that love and romance cannot fit into the Chinese relationship equation.  Chinese women, and foreign men who seek them out, simply have to be patient and ready to make huge changes in their life and beliefs, as well as to make difficult compromises and even sacrifices. 

From a practical point of view, being in a relationship with a foreign man is actually more ideal for a Chinese woman, whether or not she’s a driven career woman or one who wants to devote all her time as a wife.  Realistically speaking, many foreign men do have better economic status and can provide a better future for his family. 

From a romantic point of view, a relationship/marriage with a foreign man means that a Chinese woman can realize the romantic notions which were actually influenced by her exposure to western culture.  Compared to Chinese men, foreign men are more romantically inclined and have the benefit of valuable dating and relationship experiences. 

Practical Chinese love does not have to be completely unromantic.  There are many, small ways to create and sustain romance in a relationship while also remaining realistic.  The Chinese are simply not always equipped with adequate and proper dating and relationship experiences and the social skills to help them navigate the path toward a happy, love-filled, romantic and secure marriage life.

But those Chinese wives who are seeking a more loving and caring relationship than is the Chinese custom will almost always make great students in learning the art of romance if their Western husband has the patience to slowly bring out the best in them.   These lucky men will find themselves with the best wife a man could hope for, a romantic loving Chinese wife.

Discover tons of great information about Chinese love, Chinese women, having a Chinese wife, and Chinese dating and relationships on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

The Art of Saying “No” When Living in China and Chinese Dating

If you want to succeed in Chinese dating and also be able to build meaningful relationships while living in China, you will have to learn the Chinese art of saying “No,” and negative statements in general.  The American way of doing it is just too blunt, careless, and insensitive – at least, this is how the Chinese view it.  In China, you can’t just call it as you see it, especially when it will cause someone to lose face; you have to be considerate, give them a way out, or simply leave them guessing. 

This is especially important in your place of work and, when you finally find your dream Chinese woman, when you’re interacting with her family.  It will take time and plenty of confusing experiences, but, eventually, you will develop a more-or-less-acceptable euphemistic tongue, which will help you build and nurture long-term relationships.

In the work place, colleagues, particularly those who have lower positions than you, will often take on more work than they can handle because they won’t say no when you ask them directly if they can finish it, and you’re not able to read between the lines of their vague answers.  Of course, you will then expect them to actually finish the job because you don’t know any better.  Here are some ways that they might try to tell you in a very roundabout way that “No, they can’t do it.”  You can even use these replies yourself and your colleagues will understand your real meaning perfectly.

• I’ll do my best.
• It’s inconvenient.
• Maybe I can.
• I’ll give it a shot.

The same goes for situations where you have to refuse a request or tell somebody that they can’t do something, like take a nap in the middle of work.  And it’s always best to do it when nobody else is around so they won’t lose face. 

• I’ll think about it.
• Next time we need to talk to a client, observe how I do it.
• I hope you’ll get plenty of rest tonight, so you won’t be too sleepy tomorrow at work. 
• It’s been a very busy day at work today, Honey; it’s up to you if you still want us to go to that videoke bar or just have a quiet dinner at home tonight.

When you’re asked for an opinion or have to approve a completed work, instead of saying something is awful, you can use these statements disguised as positive reinforcement.

• Not bad.
• It looks alright; how about you take some more time to make some improvements?
• I appreciate your effort!  Review it some more and then show me again.
• That dress is nice, Honey; but you look lovelier in the red quipao. 

If you don’t agree with something, the best way to handle it is to mention why it’s maybe a good idea but not the best and the reasons why another option is better; don’t just say you don’t like it. 

• Honey, I want us to get married as soon as possible, so maybe we should have a more intimate and romantic wedding, and then maybe we can go on that honeymoon cruise we wanted!
• This idea might work, but how about if we do it like this?

Being an expat means the Chinese around you are often more understanding if you get confused or if you are more direct than is considered polite.  But being an expat also means you will have to adapt to the Chinese way of doing things, don’t expect them to adjust to you.  Always remember that if there are any misunderstandings, it’s very likely that there was a complete disconnect between what somebody said and your expectations.  Given enough time and an open mind, you will soon be able to decipher Chinese euphemisms for “No” and even deliver them yourself like a natural!  This is especially important when you’re seriously involved in Chinese dating while seeking your ideal China love match.

Discover tons of great information about Chinese dating, living in China, and building relationships in China on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.

Chinese Dating and Chinese City Living

Chinese dating may be a top or secondary goal for you while in China, but, of course, you will still have to make a decent living and, as much as possible, also try to live a good quality of life.  City living can definitely give you more opportunities to achieve the former, but not the latter. 

Making a decent living is always a given for any man who has serious, long-term relationship goals, not only when he’s dating a Chinese woman, but any other woman from a different cultural background, as well.  Having a good quality of life is often taken for granted and exchanged for good earning potential, but it is just as important to a man’s dating and relationship success, if not more. 

For the most part, Chinese city living does provide expats with great opportunities to earn good money and make themselves suitable providers to their ideal Chinese lady; at the same time, living in China’s first-tier cities can drastically reduce their quality of life, both in terms of physical and spiritual health.

A report on the urban competitiveness of China, made by the Chinese National Academy of Sciences’ National Academy of Economic Strategy, ranked China’s first-tier cities based on their suitability for living in terms of quality of life indicators, such as general cost of living, pollution, traffic, and general ecological environment.  Only two, Hong Kong and Macau, were classified as among the “most livable.”  (Source: http://usa.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2013-05/21/content_16513621.htm)

Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and most other first-tier Chinese cities, which many expats prefer to live and work in, did not make the grade.

These three cities, in particular, are among the top 10 with the best commercial advantages, cultural development, and city and countryside unification.  They have the biggest economic development and are the most preferred areas for both local and international investments.  For these reasons, they provide expats and the Chinese people alike with the best employment opportunities, as well as a high-standard of living in terms of access to modern comforts and technologies.

For expats, especially, being in a culturally diverse environment and having access to the best academic and medical resources, career opportunities, and western comforts can make their attempt at a new and better life in China easier to pursue.  Dating opportunities are also very good in these cities, as Chinese women who live/flock there are often well-educated, independent, and modern. 

But when it comes to “habitability,” these cities are not the best options, especially when one is also looking to start a family in the future.  Beijing, for example, boasts of having a very diverse population, a large expat community, the best medical facilities, and modern infrastructures; but the city has sacrificed the most basic essentials in exchange for its development.  Air and water quality, for example, is so poor that it is a chronic and very serious public health issue. 

Despite the fact that these cities are also the most advanced in terms of railway technology, road congestion remains a huge problem; traffic jams are a daily headache.  Rapid housing developments also do not translate to affordability; in fact, these places are the most expensive when it comes to real estate.  Affordable housing, many times, means very small spaces and unreliable water and heating services.  While western food is widely available, food safety, particularly involving the local food industry, remains a serious issue.

Having a culture that places a high value on balance and harmony, it is a surprise that most of China’s first-tier cities fail to achieve a balance between progress and habitability.  They do offer the best opportunities but not the best conditions for living. 

It can be said that China may now have a first-world economy, but living conditions in its most urbanized areas are still mostly on the “third-world level.”

Starting a new life in a new country can be challenging and an expat will have to go where the best opportunities are to increase his chances of success; perhaps China’s first-tier cities provide a great starting point, but eventually, he must also consider plans for the future, especially if they include having a family with his dream Chinese wife someday.  Being a good provider, after all, does not only mean economic stability and comfortable living; it also means being able to provide a good quality of life.

Discover tons of great information about Chinese dating and relationships, living in China, and Chinese women on the blogs, magazine and forum of ChinaLoveMatch.net (the home of trusted Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.