Chinese Dating and Getting By In China Through Guanxi

In any culture, having good connections is always advantageous.  While in most other cultures, a person's actual achievements, skills, and experiences make a huge difference in helping him/her with his/her goals and ambitions, in China, being well-connected often has more weight.  If your plans of marrying a Chinese lady include working and living in the Middle Kingdom, you should understand the concept of Guanxi to help you get by and, perhaps, even flourish in this foreign environment.

Whereas, in your country, you may take advantage of your connections to get a good recommendation from an old and a well-respected professor or a former boss to help you get accepted in graduate school or land a job, in the People's Republic, having guanxi (or a network of good connections, big or small) is a big part of everyday life.  The concept of guanxi permeates all aspects of Chinese life.  It can help a person get train tickets when they are difficult to obtain because it's peak season; it can prove very useful when one needs to make a reservation at a popular restaurant or just to get nice tables; of course, it would also be very valuable when one needs to close a deal or bag a promotion.  For a foreign man, having guanxi can go a long way toward obtaining permits and a visa, getting a good deal on your long-term accommodations, and finding a decent job. 

From a foreigner's perspective, which would be influenced greatly by his own culture and partly by his personal belief system, using the system of guanxi to get by and/or get ahead may seem unethical and unfair to others who do not have the same connections.  When in China, however, the concept of guanxi is not so black and white; there are numerous factors that you must consider if you even want to try and understand the intricate underpinnings and greater implications of such a system.  If you will be working and living in China, you will have to be ready to accept and even adopt some of the society's deeply-ingrained practices, even if you can't understand them and even if you don't necessarily agree with them.  If you will be in China for a significant period of time, living among its people, and maybe even marrying a wonderful Chinese lady in the near future, this means you will need to accept the realities in your new environment.  As they say, if you can't beat them, join them. 

One of the ways to cultivate your own guanxi is to learn the delicate art of gift giving, particularly when it comes to business or job opportunities.  Gift giving in this sense is considered a delicate art because you will be walking the fine line between advantageous goodwill and respectfulness and plain and simple bribery.  The general rule of thumb when giving a gift is to give something valuable enough for the person of status to appreciate, but not so over-the-top as to make him feel like you're showing him up.  When giving gifts to more than one person, the value of each gift should more or less be appropriate to each person's status; that is to say, the higher the status of the person, the more valuable his gift should be compared to the others. 

You must also remember that cultivating guanxi always works both ways.  Maybe that well-respected businessman whom you have been helping with his English lessons for free can help you close that business deal.  Perhaps a lady friend of yours who helped you find better accommodations with better amenities might ask you to write a letter of recommendation to help her get into a college abroad.  In any case, developing your own guanxi is essential to how "easy" life in China will be for you. 

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Honesty When Online Dating

In the real world, dating usually involves peacocky behavior, reminiscent of a peacock displaying its gorgeous tail feathers; others don a guise of cautiousness or secretive behavior.  The same is true with online dating.  People rarely show their true selves, disclose factual personal information, and conduct themselves in an honest manner when dealing with potential mates, especially during the very early stages of dating when they are still strangers to each other and are still getting to know one another.

The whole point of this getting-to-know each other stage is, obviously, to get to know each other.  Online dating lends people a kind of anonymity that makes them feel safer and more confident.  This sense of security can be taken in one of two ways: a person feels more free to be himself/herself with potential partners online, not fearing judgment and rejection or feeling more capable of handling one or both; or a person sees an opportunity to show himself/herself in a different light to impress, mislead, or compensate for self-presumed flaws, reinventing his/her character because he/she does not feel confident enough about himself/herself and still fears judgment or rejection.

Most times, people with honest intentions still tell white, supposedly harmless, little lies about their age, their interests, or the kind of food they like, just to name a few.  The most common reasons why a lot of people do this is because they really like the other person and do not want to risk losing their interest, or they simply want to please the other person.  The most common justification is that once the other person gets to know them better and sees all their desirable traits, and especially after love has finally blossomed, the supposed flaws and the white lie/s made about these flaws would be easier to forgive.  But even with the smallest and whitest of lies, it is still possible to come to a point where the "deceit" (for lack of a better word) is taken so far that taking it back and coming clean about it would cause more damage and hurt than was initially or ever intended. 

No matter how justified and understandable a lie is, no matter how small or seemingly harmless in the beginning, it always has the tendency to snowball and damage the relationship that may have developed between two people, even if it was founded on other, honest aspects about each other that they shared with one another.  Of course, if an online relationship is solid enough, especially if true love is present, it can survive something so "trivial" compared to the common and much bigger challenges that such relationships often come with. 

No one can really tell if and when a little, white lie might get out of control or how the other person would take it once the truth comes out.  With online dating, especially when one is looking to engage in a cross-cultural online relationship, honesty is always the best policy.  Yes, there is always the chance that the potential mate who turns out to be one's ideal life mate would see past the dishonesty and be willing to forgive and forget it; but it is just as possible that this would cause the other person to question many other things about the relationship and about their partner.  Maybe it would be a problem that can be fixed, maybe it won't.  The search for a lifetime partner through online dating is already riddled with a lot of maybes and a person should try to reduce these as much as he/she could, instead of add to them.  If one is looking to make a commitment for a lifetime, for true love and happiness, he or she must also plant seeds of truth to gain true fulfillment. 

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Chinese Online Dating: You Can Have Your Virtual Cake and Eat It, Too

How committed are you to finding a Chinese wife through Chinese online dating?  Do you know enough of the culture, language, and women of China to make your dreams come true?  Are you willing to put in the time and the effort needed to make a cross-cultural relationship work?  These are all important questions you should be asking yourself if you are serious about pursuing this dream. </p>

Here are more questions you need to honestly consider:  Is your virtual dream realistic?  If it is, have you formulated a plan on how to mold this virtual dream and breathe life into it and the means to put your plan into action?  </p>

Commitment.  The reasons why one decides that a China lady is the ideal life partner vary from person to person.  Employing a Chinese online dating site as a means to this end is, usually, the most practical and effective one.  Some men have simply figured out that women from their own culture do not suit their needs and expectations; others simply have a great admiration for the traits that Chinese women possess and/or the culture of China and China as a country, in general.  These factors, separately or in combination, should be enough to fuel your desire to make your dreams come true.  Your level of commitment must be high enough to keep you keeping on despite the difficulties of finding a potential partner and, when you do, to make the relationship work.</p>

Disposition.  You have to be willing, perhaps even enthusiastic, to learn as much as you can about China, its culture, language, people, and women in particular.  Understanding and accepting the differences between you and a woman from your own culture is one thing; doing the same for the purposes of being successful in finding a potential China wife AND ensuring the future of the cross-cultural relationship is another.  Read as much as you can about about the history and culture of China and talk to a Chinese lady friend about things you find most interesting; keep abreast of the current issues in the Middle Kingdom, particularly those that directly affect Chinese women, and ask your friend what her thoughts are about some of these issues; learn at least the most basic Chinese words and phrases and use them when communicating online with a China lady.  Even if you don’t have the means and/or intention of visiting or moving to China, you can still get a real feel for Chinese culture and society by simply engaging in small talks or having real discussions about aspects of China that interest you with your Chinese lady friends.  Just remember to be very flexible and open to a completely different way of life and thinking.</p>

Attitude.  You have to have realistic expectations and goals short-term and long-term goals, at least those that are within your means.  They must also be based on your actual knowledge of China and its women so all the decisions and plans you will be making will be based on good information.  You need to formulate an appropriate plan of action to turn your dreams into reality.  With realistic expectations and goals and a good plan of action in place, you can then start making preparations to set your plan in motion.  Find a reputable Chinese dating site to avoid wasting your time, effort, and money on scammers and ensure that you will only be meeting China ladies who share your dreams.  Start saving up for a trip to China if this is part of your plans.  If you are hoping to move to China as part of the process, then look for job opportunities in the People's Republic and send out applications so you can enjoy a real-life experience of its culture and to increase your opportunities of meeting a potential China wife.  Figure out if you want to permanently live in China with your wife or if you want to go back to your home country, do your research regarding both options, and plan accordingly. </p>

Honesty.  It is important that you are honest with yourself and the woman you would consider a potential life partner about your expectations and desires.  As with any relationship, honesty is the cornerstone on which mutual trust, respect, and love are built.  In a cross-cultural relationship, especially when it starts through online dating, it can already be difficult gauging another person's sincerity and intentions; honesty and trust become even more valuable assets in such a relationship.   </p>

  

There are numerous single Chinese women who share your desire of finding love and a lifetime partner through online dating.  The quest may be difficult and seem daunting at times, but the love and happiness at the end of it will be worth everything you put into making your dream, and a China lady's dream, come true. 

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